Lawyer Jokes

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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After his motion to surprises evidence was denied by the court the angered attorney spoke up, “Your Honor,” he said, “what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool?”

The Judge, now also angered, revered, “I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing before this court again!”

“What if I only thought it?” asked the attorney.

“In that case, there is nothing I could do; you have the right to think whatever you want.”

“Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect, that I ‘think’ you’re a stupid, degenerate, old fool.”

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3. Overcharging fees to many clients.
4. Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.... The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,” Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?” The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.” St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

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