Lawyer Jokes

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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt of court in a heart beat!"

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Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. "How's business?" asked Bob.

"Absolutely rotten!" responded Joe. "How have you been doing?” “Even worse," Bob replied. "I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it."

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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

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A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a large law firm were walking through a city park, when they spotted an antique oil lamp.

The paralegal picked it up, but both the associate and partner grabbed for it, arguing that they found it first. Their tussling had the effect of rubbing the lamp, and to their shock, a Genie emerged in a great cloud of smoke.

The Genie announced, "In gratitude of your freeing me from the lamp, I grant you three wishes. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."

The paralegal blurts out, "I want to be in the Barbados, sipping cocktails with a gorgeous movie star." Poof! The paralegal was gone.

The associate, excited by the events, stammers, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! The associate was gone.

"You're last," the Genie says to the partner, "What is your wish?"

The partner replied, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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