Lawyer Jokes

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The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

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Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.
”Give me the bad news first.”
”Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
”That's the bad news?” asked Malborn incredulously. “I can't wait to hear the terrible news.”
”The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.”

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A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lays an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's strange!"

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“I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.’"

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