Lawyer Jokes

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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

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Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon.
"You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second.
"You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

"I like to operate on electricians," said the third.
"You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth.
"They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

"I like engineers," said the fifth.
"They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck.

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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....,"replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

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