Lawyer Jokes

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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge. The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

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After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, "Mrs. Smith -- after you put the arsenic in the sweet dish and served it to your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?" "I did," she said calmly." And when was that?" quipped the D.A. "When he asked for some more!" came the reply.

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After his death, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.

After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"

"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.

"What's your second question?"

"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'lawyers' clock?"

The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."

Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.

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