Lawyer Jokes

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How Lawyers Do It...

Lawyers Do It With Appeal.
Lawyers Do It Confidentially.
Lawyers Do It On A Trial Basis.
Lawyers Do It Until Justice Prevails.
Lawyers Do It As Long As You Can Pay Them.
Lawyers Do It Unless It Is Prohibited By Law.

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”

“Why?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”

“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

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Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

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A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.

The lawyer asked: “Why are appeals heard so much sooner in Hell?" The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.”

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