Lawyer Jokes

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The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”

The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

“$7.98,” replied the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?”

“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

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A very good man died, and as a reward for a life well-spent, went to heaven. When he arrived, St. Peter met him at the gate.

“Welcome,” said St. Peter, “since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven.”

“Thank you,” said the man. “But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?”

“Well, all kinds,” replied St. Peter.

“Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?” asked the man.

“Yes, some,” said St. Peter.

“Are there any communists in heaven?” asked the man.

“Yes, there are,” replied St. Peter.

“Are there any Nazis in heaven?” asked the man.

“Just a few,” said St. Peter.

“Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?” asked the man.

St. Peter replied: “What, and ruin it for everyone else?”

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