Lawyer Jokes

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After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization . . .
. . . the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his two lawyers to his room. He asked them to each stand by one side of his bed.
After standing for some time, the first lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
A while later, the second lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."
As the hours wore on, both the lawyers watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, they again asked, "Why are we standing here?"
"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

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A university committee was selecting a new dean.
They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand
dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried
my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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