Lawyer Jokes

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It was a nice day at the park by the lake.

Three guys were casting theirs lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat.

Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to poop on. (Those nasty birds!) The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys.

Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the two people in the small boat. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.

Then, out of nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it had just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. It then rested on a tree branch.

So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where did you learn to poop on people with such precision?"

The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former life I was an attorney."

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A university committee was selecting a new dean.

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

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A lawyer named Mr. Strange was shopping for a tombstone.
After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave."
Mr. Strange was not amused by the stonecutter's attempt at humor and asked if he had another suggestion.
The stonecutter said, "I could write, 'Here lies an honest lawyer'."
The lawyer protested, "But that won't tell people who it was."
"It most certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read, 'Here lies an honest lawyer' and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

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An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

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