Lawyer Jokes

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A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his
bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing
$25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his
death and during his repose, they would place the three
envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have
enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and
Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the
coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the
Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying
that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the
coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would
send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their
forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans
sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money
for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had
only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to
waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to
benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with
self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep
disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his
oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept
his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know
that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full
amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for
the entire $25,000.

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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Medical Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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I just managed to settle an account!
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."

"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"

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What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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