Lawyer Jokes

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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he had had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you: what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."

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An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, then you don't get anything."

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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A while down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. However, remembering that a priest was in the truck with him, he swerved at the last moment to miss the lawyer.

However, the truck driver heard a loud thump outside of the truck, and he looked in his rear-view mirror.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

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A very rich fun lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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