Lawyer Jokes

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A lawyer dies and ascends the stairway to Heaven to find St. Peter standing before him.

“I hold before me a list of your sins, my son,” says St. Peter. He clears his throat and begins to read from the list.

“You defended a large corporation that you knew to be guilty against charges of pollution. This is a grievous sin.”

The lawyer sheepishly hangs his head.

“You overcharged many clients, billing at astronomical rates,” continues St. Peter. “This, too, is a grievous sin.”

“But I can explain!” interrupted the attorney.

“Silence!” St. Peter continues to read from the list. “You prosecuted a woman you knew to be innocent because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case! This is unforgivable.”

“But, St. Peter,” exclaims the attorney, “I have also given money to charity!”

St. Peter examines his list and scratches his beard.

“Ah yes,” says St. Peter. “I see it here. You gave a dime to a panhandler, and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer’s face brightens up, and he replies, “Yes, that is correct!”

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A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a large law firm were walking through a city park, when they spotted an antique oil lamp.

The paralegal picked it up, but both the associate and partner grabbed for it, arguing that they found it first. Their tussling had the effect of rubbing the lamp, and to their shock, a Genie emerged in a great cloud of smoke.

The Genie announced, "In gratitude of your freeing me from the lamp, I grant you three wishes. As there are three of you, you each get one wish."

The paralegal blurts out, "I want to be in the Barbados, sipping cocktails with a gorgeous movie star." Poof! The paralegal was gone.

The associate, excited by the events, stammers, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! The associate was gone.

"You're last," the Genie says to the partner, "What is your wish?"

The partner replied, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

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A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.

"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exclaimed his friend.

"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"

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An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which costs $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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