Lawyer Jokes

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A lawyer is on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. He leans over to the weary person sitting next to him, awaking him from a sound sleep.

The lawyer asks the man if he wants to play a game. The guy, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

The lawyer says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."

This catches the man's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless he plays, he agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer. "Your turn."

He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He checks Google, Wikipedia and even the Library of Congress, still no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the man and hands him $500.

The man says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes him and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the man reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“I have some shocking news,” the judge said. “I have been bribed by both the prosecution and the defense in this case…”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “I received an envelope with $10,000 from the prosecution and an envelope with $15,000 from the defense.”

The judge pulls out his checkbook and writes a check. He tears it off and hands it to the defense attorney.

“In the name of justice, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

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A wealthy lawyer took a vaction to his summer home in the backwoods of New England. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

They had a fun time in the wilderness - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky, and the male bear attacked him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, drove into town as fast has he could and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

The lawyer hid behind the sheriff as they approached the two bears.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.

The sheriff looked at the bears and without batting an eye, he leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

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A new client enters the office of a well-to-do Manhattan attorney.

“Can you tell me how much you charge?” asked the client.

“Of course,” the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions.”

“Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?”

“Yes it is,” said the lawyer, “And what's your third question?”

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