Lawyer Jokes

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There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. While trying to start a fire, the young man came across a magic lamp on the shore. He picked it up and rubbed it. A genie appeared before him.

But this was no ordinary genie. This genie was an attorney.

He told the young man to make his three wishes, but on one condition. For every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided it was worth it.

"My first wish is for $1 million." The genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would receive double that amount.

The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde girlfriend with blue eyes."

Once again, the genie granted the wish and also gave all attorneys two blonde-eyed girlfriends.

The genie announced that the man had one more wish and he should consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach.

He told the genie: "For my last wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me half to death!"

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A madam of an exclusive brothel opened the front door to find a rather dignified, well-dressed man in his late 40s or early 50s standing on her porch.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," the man replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 an hour. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie.

The man went upstairs with Valerie. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row-it was simply too expensive… and there were no discounts for repeat customers. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he again left.

The following night, the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really," she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you the $15,000 inheritance your father left you."

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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" the man cried.

"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman!"

"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go — and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

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