Lawyer Jokes

---

 

1  136 137 138 139 140  144

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.

"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."

"Would it help to just write it down?" asked the prosecutor.

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney and finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."

---

An affluent lawyer is riding in his Lexus when he looks out the window and sees a man in disheveled clothing on all fours on the ground.

The lawyer slows down to get a better look at the poor guy, who appears to be eating grass.

He stops his Lexus and rolls down the window.

"Excuse me, buddy," shouts the lawyer out his window. "What's going on?"

The poor guy looks up, and through a mouthful, he says, "Nothing much, sir. I'm just eating grass."

"Why?" inquires the lawyer.

"Well, you see, sir, I'm too poor to afford any food. All I have to eat is this grass," says the man.

"My God!" exclaims the attorney. "That's horrible. You must come with my back to my house."

"But I have a wife and three kids," explains the unfortunate man.

"That's no problem," says the attorney. "Bring them all along. I am sensitive to even the slightest human suffering."

The poor man jumps up and runs to fetch his wife and kids. The lawyer waits as the poor man ushers his family into the lawyer's Lexus.

With the whole family in his car, the lawyer peels out.

"We appreciate your kindness, sir," offers the poor man's wife.

"You guys are going to love it at my place," the lawyer says. "The grass is a foot tall!"

---

A blizzard struck a law school town one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable.

One law student, who lived two miles from the campus, woke up and heard on the radio that the trains were not running. Dutifully, he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class.

At the podium, the Professor was lecturing to an audience of one.

Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture. After a while, he leaned toward the other student.

"What's he talking about?" he whispered.

"How should I know?" the other student replied. "I only got here five minutes before you did."

---

A young attorney gets a call about an emergency that will require him to fly down to Texas for the weekend. A senior associate tells him about it at the last minute, so the young attorney barely has time to make it to the airport, let alone to go home and pack.

He calls his house to tell his wife he won't be coming home tonight. The maid answers the phone, but she is hesitant to let the attorney speak to his wife.

The lawyer demands to know what's going on. The maid remains tight-lipped, but she cracks under examination from the attorney.

"I demand to know what's going on!" declares the attorney.

"Your wife," says the maid. "She is upstairs, sleeping with the mailman."

Furious, the lawyer tells the maid to go down to the basement, retrieve his shotgun and kill both his wife and her lover. The maid is obviously shocked and appalled.

"Don't worry. I'm one of the best litigators in the state, and I'll represent you free of charge," assured the attorney. After convincing the maid that he could get her off, the maid agreed to do the lawyer's dirty work.

The maid tells the lawyer to wait one moment. A minute later, the lawyer hears two shotgun blasts. The maid comes back to the phone.

"Did you kill them?" inquires the attorney.

"Yes, sir," replied the maid.

"And the bodies," asked the lawyer. "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool, sir."

The attorney pauses before asking, "Is this 555-8329?"

---

 

1  136 137 138 139 140  144