Lawyer Jokes

---

 

1  136 137 138 139 140  144

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um… no."

The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

---

A golfer stands at the tee, looks off towards the green and swings his driver. He hooks the ball over a hill onto the next fairway.

"Fore!" shouts the golfer as his ball drifts out of sight.

Cursing his luck, the golfer heads over the hill to find his ball.

When he reaches the top of the hill, he looks down to see his ball next to an injured man lying on the ground. The golfer runs over to attend to the injured man.

Slowly, the injured man regains consciousness and rubs the bump on his head.

"I'm so sorry, sir," says the golfer. "I hooked my ball and it must have hit you in the head."

The injured man sits up and winces in pain.

"I'll sue your ass, pal. I'm an attorney!" announces the injured man. "This is going to cost you $500,000 at least!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I shouted fore."

The attorney thinks for a moment and says, "I'll take it!"

---

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you are," he says. "You're so focused on your material possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

---

A doctor and a lawyer were talking to each other at a cocktail party. A man walked up and interrupted their conversation.

"Doc," exclaimed the man, "I think I got an ulcer. What can I do?"

"Well," began the doctor, "I would recommend you get a full physical exam."

"Yeah, I know," said the man, "but what can I do about it right now?"

The doctor thought about it for a moment.

"First, put that drink down," advised the doctor. "Alcohol can aggravate an ulcer. Try to lay off fatty foods and avoid late night meals."

"Thanks, Doc," said the man before departing.

Resuming his conversation with the attorney, the doctor leaned in and whispered.

"I hate when that happens. I never know how to handle those situations where I'm asked for medical advice in social situations."

"It's a common complaint," said the attorney.

"Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" asked the doctor.

"It depends," began the attorney. "For such a minor question, I'd advise you to just let it go. It's an occupational hazard, but I wouldn't worry about it."

The next day, the doctor checked his mail and found a bill from the attorney: "$50 for legal advice."

---

 

1  136 137 138 139 140  144