Lawyer Jokes

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Q: "Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer — who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir, with my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Brandy. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named Candy.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

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A truck driver on his usual route began amusing himself by running over every lawyer who came across his path. He'd see a lawyer walking down the road in a suit with a briefcase, and he would swerve to hit him.

The lawyers would disappear under the truck with a satisfying THUD!

One day, as the trucker was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. The trucker thought he could make up for a life of bloodthirsty sin by doing a good deed, so he stopped to let the priest in.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father, I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively, he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD! Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said nervously, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

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During the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney was doggedly going after a witness. "Isn't it true," the prosecutor shouted, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise the integrity of this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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