Lawyer Jokes

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A lawyer walks into a bar in a bad part of town. Almost immediately, he is propositioned by one of the women at the bar. "For $100, I will do anything you want," she says.

"OK," he says, "but we have to go back to my place."

She agrees, and they head into the suburbs, in front of the lawyer's expansive house. The woman follows him to the front door. "Just stay here for a second," the lawyer says.

He goes in and comes back a couple of minutes later. Handing the woman overalls and two cans of paint, the lawyer says, "Here is your $100. Let me know when you are done painting the house."

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A woman sat in the doctor's office in a paper robe, waiting for the doctor to return with the results of a complicated blood test.

The doctor came into the room with a solemn look on his face and set the woman's medical chart down on his desk.

"Are the results of the test in, doctor?" asked the woman.

"The results are not conclusive, ma'am," began the doctor. "But I'm afraid it does not look good."

The woman sighed, preparing herself for the bad news.

"According to these tests," the doctor continued. "You may only have six months to live."

"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed.

"It's all right, ma'am," said the doctor.

"All right?!" the woman asked incredulously. "How? You said I might be dead in six months!"

"Yes, that's true," said the doctor. "But there are things you can do."

"What can I do?" demanded the woman.

"Well…" the doctor cleared his throat. "Are you married?" he asked.

"No," she responded.

"Then try marrying a lawyer," the doctor offered.

"Marry a lawyer? But why?" asked the woman.

"You see," said the doctor. "It will feel like the longest six months of your life."

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There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

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A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

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