Lawyer Jokes

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"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told her client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's clothing."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

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A man was sitting in his lawyer's office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously.

"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

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Three guys die on the same day: a doctor, a teacher and a lawyer. They wind up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter says he has to ask them each a question before he can admit them.

He asks the doctor, "If you could, what would you like to hear people say as they stand around your coffin?"

The doctor immediately replies, "I would like them to say what a wonderful doctor I was and how many lives I saved."

St. Peter poses the same question to the teacher. The teacher replies, "I would like to hear them say what a wonderful teacher I was and how many lives I changed."

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and asks him the same question, what would he like to hear people say at his funeral.

The lawyer thinks about it for a second and says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer, wanting to start a conversation with the gentleman next to him, said "I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment.

Looking somewhat confused, the lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

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