Lawyer Jokes

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A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

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A group of lawyers checked their cell phones with the courtroom bailiff to begin another day of trial.

At the end of the day, they were packing up to leave, and a cell phone rang. One of the lawyers picked it up.

"Hi Honey, are you done with court today?"

"I sure am."

"Well, I am calling from the mall. I saw this amazing jacket, but it costs $2,200. What do you think?"

"Do you like it?"

"I love it."

"Then you should get it."

"Thanks! But you know I was also thinking about the Mercedes I was looking at the other day, and I know that it will cost over $100,000 to get the options I want."

"Don't worry about it. Just make sure you are happy with it."

"That's so great. Oh, and one other thing. You know that house I have had my eye on for that last few years? It just went on the market, and it is listed at $800,000. I know that with the other items that will tap the entire bank account, but I don't want to miss the opportunity."

"You should go now and make a full asking price offer. We don't want to let it get away, do we?"

"Oh, honey! You are the best! I'll see you later."

After clicking off the phone, the lawyer turned to the small crowed of others, held out the phone and asked, "So, which one of you owns this phone?"

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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

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A dishonest defense attorney bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, instead of murder, which the state was attempting to get.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When the lawyer paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"I sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

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