Lawyer Jokes

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An American attorney was in Rome, delivering a presentation on international law at a prominent Italian law school.

He had just finished his lecture, when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue thelandowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

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Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "I can't believe my eyes! There is a woman out there floating in our direction!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating! You've finally lost your mind."

But, sure enough, a few moments later, a woman's body drifted onto the shore. She lay motionless on the beach, naked.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered that she was alive.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God-forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... so.... do you think we should… well… you know, screw her?"

"Out of what?" asked the other attorney.

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A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were sitting in a bar. They struck up a conversation about the world's oldest profession.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day, God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

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George and Lenny decided to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists. Before long, they realized they were lost.

George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George let some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon further still to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air."

George called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer!"

"How could you tell?" asked the man.

George answered, "Because the advice you gave us is 100% accurate and completely useless."

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client."

George yelled back, "Why do you say that?"

"Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You're in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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