Lawyer Jokes

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A female partner at a big law firm hired a good-looking young male paralegal. He was terrible at his job, but he looked so good she kept him around.

After a few weeks, she decided to put the moves on the young man. She wanted to see if he was capable of handling himself at a high-class function, so she invited him to go with her and her husband to a Broadway play next month.

On the big night, the paralegal showed up in a tuxedo and found his boss sitting alone up front.

"Where is your husband?" he asked.

"I'm afraid he passed away," she said.

"I'm very sorry to hear that," said the paralegal. Realizing the cost of such good seats at a popular play, he asked, "You didn't have any other friends or relatives to take his seat?"

"No," she replied. "They are all at the funeral."

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An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, William Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started criticizing him.

"Your tie is crooked. You look a mess. There's a stain on your jacket. You missed dinner…"

The lawyer began rubbing his temples and tuned out his wife's harsh words. He went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub.

While he was in the tub, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear end greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman! Don't you ever stop!?"

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A prominent middle-aged attorney was walking down the sidewalk when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100 years old!"

"God? Is that you?" asked the attorney, looking skyward.

"Yes!" came the reply.

The attorney's mind began racing. He thought of all the years he squandered in pursuit of money, Earthly pleasures, and physical possessions.

Immediately, he began doing good deeds in order to appease God so he could make it into heaven. On the way home, the lawyer stopped off at a local homeless shelter, where he pledged to volunteer. He donated blood to the Red Cross, helped an old lady cross the street, gave money to needy folks, and read books to poor school children.

One day, as he was crossing the street-SPLAT! He was run over by a bus and killed.

Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100! Instead I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?"

"Sorry," replied God. "I didn't recognize you."

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Two lawyers are in a bank during their lunch break. Suddenly, the doors swing wide open and a band of robbers in ski masks with shotguns burst inside.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, the others line the customers up against a wall.

"Gimme yer wallet!" one of the robbers demands of a patron. The patron has no choice but to comply. The robber moves down the line of bank patrons, getting closer to the two attorneys.

"In case we don't make it out of here alive, I wanted you to have this," said one attorney to the other.

The attorney hands a wadded up piece of paper to the other attorney, who snatches it out of his hand.

"What is it?" asks the other attorney.

"It's the fifty bucks I owe you."

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