Lawyer Jokes

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A lawyer is on a flight from New York to Los Angeles. He leans over to the weary person sitting next to him, awaking him from a sound sleep.

The lawyer asks the man if he wants to play a game. The guy, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

The lawyer says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."

This catches the man's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless he plays, he agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer. "Your turn."

He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He checks Google, Wikipedia and even the Library of Congress, still no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the man and hands him $500.

The man says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes him and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the man reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking to each other at a cocktail party. A man walked up and interrupted their conversation.

"Doc," exclaimed the man, "I think I got an ulcer. What can I do?"

"Well," began the doctor, "I would recommend you get a full physical exam."

"Yeah, I know," said the man, "but what can I do about it right now?"

The doctor thought about it for a moment.

"First, put that drink down," advised the doctor. "Alcohol can aggravate an ulcer. Try to lay off fatty foods and avoid late night meals."

"Thanks, Doc," said the man before departing.

Resuming his conversation with the attorney, the doctor leaned in and whispered.

"I hate when that happens. I never know how to handle those situations where I'm asked for medical advice in social situations."

"It's a common complaint," said the attorney.

"Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" asked the doctor.

"It depends," began the attorney. "For such a minor question, I'd advise you to just let it go. It's an occupational hazard, but I wouldn't worry about it."

The next day, the doctor checked his mail and found a bill from the attorney: "$50 for legal advice."

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Three guys die on the same day: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. They wind up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter says he has to ask them each a question before he can admit them.

He asks the doctor, "If you could, what would you like to hear people say as they stand around your coffin?"

The doctor immediately replies, "I would like them to say what a wonderful doctor I was and how many lives I saved."

St. Peter poses the same question to the teacher. The teacher replies, "I would like to hear them say what a wonderful teacher I was and how many lives I changed."

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and asks him the same question, what would he like to hear people say at his funeral.

The lawyer thinks about it for a second and says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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A divorce attorney representing a husband in a particularly nasty case sat and watched his client's wife questioned on the stand. The opposing counsel lobbed low-ball questions to the wife. She cried and did her best to come across as innocent.

When opposing counsel was finished, the lawyer stood up and began to question the wife about her unusual sexual practices.

"Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?" asked the lawyer.

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

She replied, "What was that date again?"

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