Lawyer Jokes

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An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.

The devil replied, "That engineer you sent me."

"What engineer? You're not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!"

The devil's answer was simple... "No."

"If you don't send that engineer back right now, I'm going to be very angry. In fact, I'll sue you!"

The devil replies, "And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” “Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.” “Alright,” said St. Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?” The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

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How lawyers do it...

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

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At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

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