Lawyer Jokes

---

 

1  101 102 103 104 105  144

By the Court Clerk: Please repeat after me, “I swear by Almighty God ...”
By the Witness: I swear by Almighty God.
Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...
Witness: That’s right.
Clerk: Repeat it.
Witness: Repeat it.
Clerk: No! Repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...
Witness: That the evidence that I give.
Clerk: Shall be the truth and ...
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please. Just repeat after me, “Shall be the truth and ...”
Witness: I’m not a scholar, you know.
Clerk: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, “Shall be the truth and ...”
Witness: Shall be the truth and.
Clerk: Say, “Nothing ...”
Witness: Okay. [Witness remains silent]
Clerk: No! Don’t say nothing. Say, “Nothing but the truth ...”
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Can’t you say, “Nothing but the truth ...?”
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Well? ... Do so.
Witness: You’re confusing me.
Clerk: Just say, “Nothing but the truth ...”
Witness: Is that all?
Clerk: Yes.
Witness: Okay. I understand.
Clerk: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Clerk: “Nothing but the truth ...”
Witness: But I do! That’s just it.
Clerk: You must say, “Nothing but the truth ...”
Witness: I will say nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat these four words “Nothing,” “But,” “The” “Truth.”
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Clerk: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: “Nothing. But. The. Truth”
Clerk: Thank you.
Witness: I’m just not a scholar you know.

---

A farmer walks into a lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce.

The attorney asks, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them their divorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

The farmer says, “No, I don’t have a Case, I have a John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer says, “Yeah, I got me a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer says, “Yes sir, I got me a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney says, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer says, “Oh no sir. We both get up about the same time, around 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it to you this way. “Why do YOU want a divorce from your wife?”

To which the farmer replies, “Well,” says the farmer, “I can never have me a meaningful conversation with her.”

---

At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.

"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.

The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."

"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?"

The witness said, "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance.

---

During the frontier days, travelers often found themselves seeking shelter from fearsome weather. Sometimes, there was no shelter to be found, and they would press forward, hoping to find refuge before they succumbed to the elements.

On a stormy winter's nights, a man staggered into an inn. The innkeeper helped the man to a table, and got him some hot food. "I'm terribly sorry that I can't seat you next to the fire, sir, but court is in session and the lawyers are occupying that space."

As the man ate and warmed up, he thanked the inkeeper for his hospitality. One of the lawyers commented to the man, "Why stranger, by the looks of you, you traveled through hell and back in order to get here."

"That's right," said the man.

"It is?" asked the lawyer. "Tell us then, how did you find things in hell?"

"Just like here," the man replied, "lawyers all closest to the fire."

---

 

1  101 102 103 104 105  144