Lawyer Jokes

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George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.” Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's ask that gentleman down there on the ground.

Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, Mister, can you tell us where we are?”

“You're in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,” came the reply.

“That man must be a lawyer,” George quipped.

“How can you tell?” said Harry.

“Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!”

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How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one;

2. Once launched, they can't be recalled; and

3. When they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.

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A California attorney telephoned "Circuit City", a local electronics store, in search of a new television set. He was told that he would receive a telephone call back regarding the availability of the make and model of television he was interested in purchasing. A few minutes after hanging up, the office receptionist informed him that "Circuit" was on the line. The following conversation then transpired:

By Attorney: "Wow, that was fast! -- What did you find out about the TV I want?"

By Female Caller: "Excuse me?" the female voice replied.

Attorney: "The TV, what did you find out?" the attorney again queried.

Female Caller: "I'm sorry sir?"

Attorney: "Darn! -- I guess that's a pretty popular model. OK then, what about that larger model being advertised? Do you have any of those in stock?"

Female Caller: "We don't have any TV's here sir," the female voice firmly retorted.

Attorney: "What do you mean? Sure you do -- I was in there just the other day," the attorney responded.

Female Caller: "Sir, I'm telling you --" the female voice muttered, cut off in mid-sentance.

Attorney: "-- Look! Do you have the larger TV or not?" the angered attorney demanded.

Female Caller: "Sir! This is the Ninth "Circuit" Court of Appeals calling to inform you that oral arguments will not be required in your matter pending before us.

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