Lawyer Jokes

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A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run.

"You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exclaimed his friend.

"I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"

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Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my wife is about to become pregnant.
Attorney: Judge, he doesn't mean his wife is about to become pregnant; he means she is about to deliver.
Judge: He may be excused. In either case he should be present.

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Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as efficient and half as expensive every 18 months.

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George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.” Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still can't tell where we are Harry, let's ask that gentleman down there on the ground.

Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, Mister, can you tell us where we are?”

“You're in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,” came the reply.

“That man must be a lawyer,” George quipped.

“How can you tell?” said Harry.

“Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!”

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