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But now what, pray tell, could be compelling you to pursue an ordinary legal job?  You yourself said the last several years have been a “misfortune”.  I’d say go for the position of self-appointed Savior- so what if the last guy who led the Church was a paranoid, bigoted, racist, misogynistic, rape-enabling, swindling heister and demagogic megalomaniac with all the charm and intellectual sophistication of a flea circus?  Which major religious figure wasn’t?  Like Kathy Griffin said at the Emmys, “Suck it [fill in with your choice of religious imposter]!”  My favorite punching bag is Jerry Falwell - even from the other side . . .

Think of the rewards—instead of arguing the law, you’ll have free reign to create the law!  In effect, you’d be King, Prophet, Pimp and President all at once—and no, I don’t think Mitt Romney will swoop in at the last minute and steal your thunder (he’s got other issues to flip-flop on).  Plus, there’s plenty of precedent for arbitrarily creating your own laws – look at organized religion, Wall Street, the Oil Industry, and the last seven years of Darth Cheney and his Boy Wonder dismantling the Constitution, dismissing “quaint” Geneva Conventions, and creating a fourth branch of government—all the delusional psycho nutjobs are doing it, boldly, brazenly, and with big dollar signs dancing overhead.  Screw law school—just tell the illiterate masses that God sent you to do his bidding, and that their salvation, the future of their children, and above all their bank accounts, depends on their wholly oblivious submission.

One thing that tore me up during the whole trial was the constant invoking by reporter after reporter that W. Jeffs was a “self-appointed prophet.”  Uh, earth to CNN, which prophet wasn’t self-appointed?  You think Moses and Muhammad really talked to burning bushes and flew a Pegasus up to heaven for a one-on-one with the almighty?  Next you’ll be telling me the Dump Known As Trump was born with that Jello-orange colored hair(piece)style . . .

So, yeah, go ahead and apply for the position of Leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It’s gotta be a hoot better than working your way up to partner while coming up with ever more creative ways to explain O.J. Simpson’s behavior.  And while you're campaigning for the position, take solace in the fact that this scene is playing out in a jail in Utah somewhere:

Huge Ugly Ass Prisoner: What are you in for?

Warren Jeffs: Having too many wives – and helping other men have multiple wives.

Huge Ugly Ass Prisoner: That's funny... because I was about to make YOU one of MY wives, BITCH. 

Warren Jeffs:  Uh oh . . .


The Judge